Shera R. Sever: Igniting the Spark™

Reclaiming Conversation- The Next Frontier: Transforming A Culture of Distraction to A Culture of Engagement

The internet is still in the very early days. Not that long ago, we were trying to figure out how to keep computers busy.

Now, they keep us busy.  We are the computers’ “killer apps”  We text each other at family dinners, funerals,  and while jogging or driving. We sleep with our cell phones (and not just as an alarm clock).  When we are away from our phones, we become anxious.

Mobile connectivity allows us to bail out of the “physical real” at any time. It gives us the ability to hide from each other even as we are connected to each other.

Connectivity allows us the illusion of companionship without genuine connection. We would rather text than talk. Are we losing our ability to communicate? *

I share, therefore, I AM

One of the original intents of  social networking was to introduce a new economic model- “open source”. . and an option  to “start a movement”  by  sharing information, resources, thoughts, and feelings.

Studies now show, the more time we spend on-line, the more time we keep a lot of things to ourselves. We share what’s easiest to share- we share what makes us look good .. NOT the whole human. By not admitting failures, showing flaws and vulnerabilities, we cut off opportunity for conversation and dialog.  We cut ourselves off from our basic human needs and we truncate the needs of others.  Sadly, by NOT engaging in radically honest, compassionate communication, we are losing the skill of sharing our hearts.

So how do we change this trajectory?

1. Increase your UNCONNECTIVITY time with your phone or PC.
2. RESTART CONVERSATIONS: Replace e-mail and texting with increased  in-person and phone conversations.
3. ENGAGE in GROUPS  that meet in person: Women’s  & Men’s circles, Book Clubs, Toastmasters, NVC Groups , The World Cafe, Meet-Ups, and Personal Development Seminars (like Landmark) that encourage dialog and the sharing of our human vulnerabilities.
4. Encourage your company or organization to increase offerings in  Leadership Development & Communication Training that includes:

• Active/reflective/empathic listening
• Techniques for Giving and Receiving Feedback
• Creating a culture of Trust and Engagement

Reclaim conversation

The results will be deeper personal peace and fulfillment, more sustainable and meaningful connections leading to a culture of TRUST  in your community, organization, and workplace.

* Thank you Sherry Turkle for your influence

About 8 years ago, I was introduced to  NVC (Non-Violent Communication), the teachings of M arshall Rosenberg.  I immediately resonated with his work, the presence and honesty it requires, and the amazing results.

Since then, I’ve completed  several 8-week courses, including a  week-long intensive with Marshall. I have adapted many of the NVC principles into my own entrepreneurship workshops and leadership seminars.

Non-violent communication (or compassionate communication), is a holistic, daily practice, based on the realization that as human beings, we all have needs.

Lack of connection, disagreements, confrontation, and “violence” are a result of not having our needs met. NVC teaches us how to express empathy for the needs of others while tuning into our own needs. It is very language specific- using very carefully chosen words that reflect self-responsibility, rather than blame. The work has been translated into more than 60 languages.

NVC requires presence, (turning off the ego-judgment in your head) and exceptional empathic listening, so that you can truly connect with whomever you are speaking with. The results are astounding. True dialog begins, misunderstanding are cleared, relationships heal. Personal integrity soars.

I just joined the 64-day movement to carry the vision in creating more love and peace in my personal life, my community, our world.

Will you join me in carrying the Vision? There’s still time to jump in.

It’s been over a month since I have posted on this blog, however, if you have been following me on Twitter or Facebook, you know why.

Right now, rather than another 10:00PM sunset swim in the Mediterranean, OR bicycling and strolling along some of the most enchanting 13th century countryside caminos, I choose to fulfill my need to CONNECT with all of you.

When I first received an offer to spend some time “en retiro”, living on the north side of the island of Mallorca, Spain,  I was very confused  about what TO DO, fearing what I would leave “behind” if I actually left my home, community, live and social networks, and other “opportunities”for 4-6 weeks.  It was an obvious reminder of the need to LET GO!

Did you know that Americans actually take less annual holiday time (i.e. vacation) than any other ‘Western” country in the world?  Reason: FEAR that by letting go of routine that their “career/business” will fall apart or that they won ‘t get ahead!  My question- Ahead of what?  Aren ‘t we all in this global transformation together?

When is the last time you gave yourself the beautiful gift of just BEING?  For those of who have, you know how much clearer and more effective (focused and intentional) you are internally, as well as once back on the  “playing field”.

Awakened Entrepreneurs™ Create Decisions based on Needs/Values

I used an NVC method (universal needs- based process from Marshall Rosenberg) to make the decision.  What needs will be fulfilled if I go?  What needs will be fulfilled if I stay? Not only was my list longer for going, but I got more in touch with what is important to me.

Bottom line: Do what FEELS good- and in my case that meant my physical body-
(warm Mediterrannean sun &  sea,  healthy, fresh food, lots of movement outdoors) Simply YES!! Now Mallorca, is in no way Spain, unless, of course, you refer to Maui, the USA. But I used to live and work in Madrid and Barcelona, and the idea of spending time on the island of Mallorca seemed like a good choice. ( And then that night,  after taking myself through this personal exercise, I received a loud message in a dream- clear and simple:  GO TO SPAIN

DOING vs. BEING

Particularly in our fast-paced culture, DOING has much more perceived value that BEING. How often are you asked “ How are you?” – if the response is anything other than BUSY, something must be wrong. Yet, wouldn ‘t we all agree that all work and no play/rest makes anyone dull (rather than vibrant), inflexible and, well, uninteresting. How many relationships and dreams (personal and professional) are not realized as a result of this “busy/work” epidemic?

Especially in these times of information overload, including fear- based marketing and propaganda, I find “unplugging” essential in order to access one’s truth, values, goals, direction  and strategies for living in purpose in order to make our greatest contributions (to self and others)

The Awakened Entrepreneur™ understands the essential need for regular  “unplugging” -be it a long weekend retreat with no technology (yes, that!) or several weeks (3-4?!) of an actual holiday is exactly what is needed in order to optimize our engines for peak performance.  Tony Robbins claims it takes 21 days to break/change any habit, which is another way of saying it takes 21 days to drop into a new reality.

Having reinvented myself a number of times in personal and professional pursuits, I’ve consistently been a big advocate of work-life balance. Starting back in the mid- 90s, I introduced a personal needs/values assessment component in all of my leadership seminars that continues to serve as a transformative catalyst for organizational and business leaders.

I am very impressed with the models that Mallorca is advocating from progressive youth education, Transition Towns (using Appreciative Inquiry) to local organic food production, permaculture, biking as preferred transportation, reducing meat in one’s diet (and revealing the truths about the costs of the meat industry),  to a very sophisticated recycling system (including compost) throughout the City of Palma.  The official unemployment rate in Spain is over 20%, (one of the highest in Europe),  however  that isn’t stopping most from finding new ways to connect, collaborate (an inherent value in this culture), and reinvent, once again, a 700+ year old way of being.

Most importantly, the general philosophy here is TRANQUILLA- and this includes the time you take to connect with those you know  (and don’t know) throughout your daily activities.

And so here I am concluding a month of  (once again) witnessing  who I am, what I value, what I deeply desire-

The Result- a simplified life style with real time connections/dialogs that support personal and planetary health, wellness, sustainability, and collaboration-all essential elements for the Awakened Entrepreneur™.

Earlier this year, I declared that I was not participating in this recession, particularly since I had experienced my own 5- year “karmic cleanse” starting in  2003 ( post 9-11). It’s a much longer story to be shared, so let’s BE HERE NOW.

There’s a lot I love about this recession.

In many ways, I see it bringing us all closer as we begin to recognize our interconnectedness (and how similar) we all are when it comes to  needs, purpose, wanting to make a difference and be happy!  There’s a collective global consciousness that continues to emerge as a result of the recession. We are learning to use our own “human technologies” and adapt to the changes.

1. FEAR only has as much power as we allow it.  In other words, it’s simply an illusion.  One of my beloved buddhist teachers from Spirit Rock Meditation Center, during a 10-day Vipassana Retreat, told us a story about  how he helped  his 3- year old “embrace” his fear of the dark.  He simply instructed his son to say “Hello” to the Fear, every evening when it arose. Within a week of applying this seemingly very simple advice, his son was able to recognize (name), befriend, and then move beyond the fear. This 3-year old began greeting the fear of darkness peacefully.

2. Living with uncertainty- births creativity, improvisation, flexibility, innovation- all essential qualities of a great leader and awakened entrepreneur.

3. Doing more with less- we are all adopting”green”  practices- or more accurately put-learning to live sustainably (living in a way that meets the needs of future generations)

4. Social entrepreneurship has become mainstream. See March, 2009 Ode Magazine.

5. Transparent Communication- Social Media has changed the way we do marketing. Now more than ever- authenticity , not hype , is what people are needing and seeking  The underlying message is to Be  Yourself- Everyone Else is Taken.

6. Real Dialogs- Van Jones calls this the need for human technologies- There’s an unprecedented grass roots global movement taking place- a caravan of world citizens.  Paul Hawkin, founder of Wiser Earth, first cited this movement in a keynote he gave at  Bioneers several years ago.  People are returning to their need to connect, gathering together to dialog:  in circles, in community gatherings, in living rooms, around fires, and town hall meetings-to share concerns, solutions, compassion, and their human connection- actually an anthisesis to all the wonderful social media marketing tools that keep us tied to a mobile gadget or computer.

7. Letting Go-We are learning to let go of STUFF , consumption (become citizens, rather than consumers), an illusory future, and simply be with the miracle of each moment.

I think Alan Watts says it best: “No use clinging to the rocks that are falling.”

What opportunities are you creating and what are you learning

as a result of the recession?

This past week has been a wonderful reminder of how good it feels to GIVE, and even more so, to do it, anonymously.

One of the communities that I am part of hosts an annual gathering on Dec. 24 in Sonoma County, CA. In addition to healthy, organic food and chocolate, we participate in a sustainable gift exchange.  No purchases, no additional consumption,  but rather, an offering of a treasure that you no longer use/need. During the “dancing” exchange, we keep passing from hand to hand these wrapped anonymous gifts, until the music finally stops.  It always turns out that each one of us receives the absolute perfect gift!

Here in my neighborhood, I love setting boxes of used “treasures” and clothes out for passerbys to take home. There is a Chinese woman who visits my “boxes” regularly. She also helps herself to the recycling bin before the weekly city pick up, and receives a few cents for each glass container that she recovers from the bin.

Last week, I saw her walking by with her shopping cart. She stopped, pointing to her feet. “Shoes good”, she said with a big smile.  I was delighted to see my pair of black clogs fitting her feet perfectly.

I am a big believer in tithing, and set aside 10% of my annual income to donate to such organizations as Global Exchange, Spirit Rock, Bay Area NVC, IONS, Seva Foundation, and CEO Women among others. 

TITHING

Do you tithe?  For more information on tithing and prosperity, read Catherine Ponder’s works, starting with The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity.  Catherine did not market and sell “The Secret.” Rather, she shared her simple formula starting back in 1958 to groups of business leaders, helping them go from recession to abundance!

 SHARE YOUR ABUNDANCE

In this time of reviewing, reflecting, assessing, and goal setting, take stock of all you have to be grateful for. To whom can you give anonymously?  What can you let go of (behaviors, beliefs, or actual “things” ) to bring in the new?  Share your abundance.  This is the SECRET!

 “Even after all this time,

The Sun never says to the Earth,

You owe me.

Look what happens to a love like that. . .

It lights up the whole sky.”

Hafiz

I have been continuing my studies in Marshall Rosenberg’s revolutionary system of Commpassionate Communication since his personal appearance in the Bay Area last April. Recently, our facilitator at the Oakland NVC Center shared this ritual practiced by the Babemba tribe in Zambia:

Babemba Soul Song and Healing Ceremony

When a woman in the Babemba tribe of South Africa knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

This song is sung at every important event of the child. When he or she is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

In the Babemba tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. When a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days. At the end, the song is sung again, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment, but love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

They believe a friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

As we move into the shortest (darkest) days of the year, and the potential challenges of the “holidays” in our culture, know your song and sing it. Surround yourselves with others that will remind you of your purpose and bring you back to your song when you seem to have temporarily lost your voice.